Dedicated to my wife…

Read on to know what happens to men who marry in India

I LOVE SHRUTI VERMA

Posted by iluvshrutiverma on October 16, 2008

My legal blog can be found at http://iitbiimb498a.wordpress.com/

***All my blogs are to help people fight against injustice. Most of the arsenal that I have is from a man’s side but I offer advice to genuine woman too***

This blog is dedicated to more than 56,000 married men who commit suicide annually in India.

The intention of this blog is twofold – to share with you experiences of my marriage, and to create awareness that there are ample number of cases where women are cunning and the men suffer.

In India, we always respect women. We respect women to such an extent that we believe that they can never be wrong (Abla Nari). With changing times, the society needs to start treating women as equals (today women have a lot of privileges).

I have myself been implicated in several dowry related criminal cases. Shruti has been staying separately since Feb 2006 but we are still very much legally married.

She even tried to claim maintenance by falsely claiming to be unemployed when she was employed with one of the largest Indian software companies.

116 Responses to “I LOVE SHRUTI VERMA”

  1. RS said

    Are u getting this

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      Yes

    • joseph said

      hello ilsv. I was trying to find a solution for my current predicament when i stumbled upon your blog. I hope that you would have a solution for me. I and my family have been through the initial harassment meted out by the 498a gang. things have been going smoothly after the arrests and the bail. the problem I have come upon now is, I need to apply for a VISA to travel to Canada and for that I need to fill up a form where is asks if i have been arrested or convicted and also about my marital status. My case has not yet been charged and has not come to court, its still at the police station. In case I mention that I do not have any arrests, do you think the consulate can find out that I have been arrested? I think there is a status called legally separated in the form which applies to my marital status, but I am worried about what to do about the question about the criminal history. It might affect even my current employment if the VISA gets rejected on this basis. Any help or comments or another source to turn to for advice would be very deeply appreciated. I am grateful for the effort you have put into this site. Thanks.

      Joseph

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        The chances are very less that the visa will get rejected only because you were arrested in a domestic matter. Women have made life hell for men in western countries too – in fact, in western countries men are much more aware about how easy it is for a woman to get a man arrested. If I were you, I would state the truth everywhere – and the truth is that it is a false case, and that you were arrested because the law is such. You haven’t been convicted. Moreover, it is a domestic dispute that does not moral turpitude

  2. Aniket Wadhare said

    Hello Sir. I got married on 14th Dec 2008. My wife is of cruel nature and misbehaved with my mother all the time. Finally 2 months back, she has leaving the home with all her jewelry etc. Now she has filed a case under IPC 125. She is asking for 50,000 per month, while my salary is only 42,000. She is an MCA by education and was worked for TCS at the time of marriage. I do not know where she is working today. From one of your messages, I read that you found out about your wife’s employment detail after she filed case under IPC 125. Can you kindly please tell me how did you find out?

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      Hello,

      I found out about my wife’s employment because one of her maternal uncles (Shruti’s mother’s brother) told me secretly.

      I even asked her uncle on why is he helping me, he said – “I was not consulted by my sister when the marriage of Shruti was fixed. Hence, I want them to suffer now. This is the only way they will realize that taking my advice in important family decisions is very important.”

      After that also, he has helped me several times. Like – he was the one who told me that Shruti went abroad, and I could use this information very well in the court.

      I was lucky to find her uncle. If you are not so lucky, then you can use ‘Mamta Jaiswal vs Rajesh Jaiswal’ judgment of MAdhya Pradesh High Court on 24/3/2000. It says “Well qualified spouses desirous of remaining idle, not making efforts for the purpose of finding out a source of livelihood, have to be discouraged, if the society wants to progress.”

  3. Nicky said

    I don’t know if I should sympathize with you, pity you or consider you a total idiot.

    IIT Bombay + IIM Bangalore + Law and you couldn’t find one proper girl to marry?

    Its nice to see an initiative to help fellow men but have you ever wondered what the real cause (root cause) of the issue is?

    Dear friend, your problem was that you choose to marry a woman who did not love you. You could not judge her nature because you hardly knew her before marriage!

    The effect of IIT + IIM and skewed gender ratio?
    or The ego if a person who thought he could get anything and deserved the best of everything?

    I don’t know.

    You should look at this beyond the judicial implications.

    Your problem wasn’t IPC498 but your problem was that you choose a gold digger for a wife.

    Try and not make the same mistake the next time.

    All the best!

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      Nicky,

      Your comment stands out from the regular kind of comments on my blog :)

      I would like to answer it point-wise please:

      1. I was a total idiot for sure. About sympathy or pity – well the intention of this blog was not to generate support for me personally, but to sensitize the society about men’s problems at large.

      2. The initiative is to help the fellow men and their families (their mothers and sisters), and I believe that I am adding some value there (even if my perception of the real cause is not accurate).

      3. You are right again in saying that I hardly knew her before marriage. Else I would have known that she is a person with no personality of her own and would do what her mother instructs her to do.

      4. About the ego – An egoistic person would not accept he is a total idiot, so you can believe me when I say I am not overly egoistic.

      5. You are right about the gold digger. Just a technical correction – it was not my wife who was a gold digger but her greedy family who is trying to make money out of a failed marriage.

      • Nicky said

        1. Men’s problems are self created. So are women’s. Marriage in India is more a social and legal sanction to have sex is case of a man and to have a good lifestyle and a ‘settled’, secure life in case of a woman. Love and trust are hardly issues which matter.

        2. Value addition or not. The cases will continue as long as men marry for sex and women for money. The only factor which differentiate between a successful and a failed marriage. When that does not exist before marriage, people will tend to act on their selfish wants than consider themselves to be a part of a family.

        3. She might or might not have had a personality of her own, but believe me, the problem was not that her mother was bad, but the problem was that she did not care about you enough to go against her mother. Had she liked you even a bit then she could have very easily told her mother to stfu.

        4. After what all had happened, I don’t think even an ego as big as jupiter would hold up.

        5. Given your wife is/was an adult of 18 yrs and above, she could have had the common sense to stop her family members, however, she went with them. Meaning, that her intentions weren’t all angelic either.

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      Nicky:

      1. Not all men’s problems are self created. They are problems created at the policy level of the nation. Eg. why is there no money spent on men’s welfare at all?

      The strength of women is the facade of weakness and the weakness of men is the facade of strength.

      By the way, even the trade of physical needs versus ‘settled lifestlye’ does not hold good anymore. She becomes entitled to a settled lifestyle while a man is not entitled to anything. (He may get it if her highness so desires but she is not obliged to).

      2. I think you missed typing some words here – ‘The only factor which differentiate between a successful and a failed marriage.’ The sentence looks incomplete.

      3. Oh sure sure. I agree with you.

      4. I do not understand the context. What should happen if the ego holds up?

      5. Of course her intentions weren’t angelic either. This is what I think happened – There were minor problems in my marriage but she was not willing to spend effort in trying to make things work out. Her parents wanted to make money on her failed marriage. They must have instigated her to take revenge – ‘let us teach your husband a lesson’. And they jointly believed that I am a spineless man who would pay them extortion when faced with extreme adverse circumstances.

      • Nicky said

        2. In this, I meant

        “2. Value addition or not. The cases will continue as long as men marry for sex and women for money. The only factor which differentiates between a successful and a failed marriage is love. When that does not exist before marriage, people will tend to act on their selfish wants than consider themselves to be a part of a family.”

        1. Policies work to solve problems. The policy was made to protect women who were otherwise taken for task by harassing husbands.

        By asking for a fund to protect men, you are suggesting something like a reservation for General Category Candidates!

        Instead of having various funds for men and women, it is important that the courts make gender impartial laws. But stuff like rape, dowry prevent that from happening.

        5. Stop living in your imaginary world where your wife’s parents instigated her to do all the horrible stuff. Your wife didn’t give a damn about you and she didn’t care whether you spent the rest of your life in prison! I wouldn’t wish that for a guy who I’ve had a HORRIBLE break up with. I wouldn’t wish that for anyone who I hate from the core of my heart.

        Bottom line, this blog will only keep you from moving on in life. Forget the case moving in court – it won’t – put your points across and forget about this lady. Go get married to a girl who you love AND WHO LOVES YOU BACK. Your life is better than sticking to stupid blogs and crazy petitions in a country life India.

        Stop wasting your life on a person who doesn’t care about you. She doesn’t deserve all the attention she is getting now.

        Ajmal Kasab hasn’t been sentenced yet – you will most probably never receive a judgement!

        Forget about it and move on.

      • sanjay mehra said

        Nicky,
        You are right when you say that this blog is probably holding him back from starting life again. But so are the cases. So that point does not hold up to scrutiny. Plus if all of us keep walking away from these battles, these wars will be here forever to fight. And what is the guarantee that the next girl will not be a bigger gold digger than Shruti even.
        When I am looking around me in society at married and not yet married relationships, I am increasingly of the view, that women today only crave money and all that it can buy for them. Love, commitment and honour which includes self- respect are increasingly viewed as square values. It is another thing that most such women end up trading self- respect for sex hoping that some fool may stick around long enough to offer them security, which they can hope to encash with lifestyle or cases.
        Maybe casual sex is the answer to fulfil ones needs without the risk of fighting gender based laws.
        After all we all have one life to live.

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        Sanjay/ Nicky,

        Just to clarify on one point – nothing is holding me back from starting life again. Neither this blog nor the cases. I have very much started my life afresh. In fact, I am leading a somewhat better life than ever before.

        That is the beauty of fighting back against injustice. You emerge as a much better and happier person while the ’498a wife’ will emerge as a loser – someone who lost her health, prestige, and youth.

        This blog is not a symbol of my being stuck in life. This blog is my tribute to the people who are fighting against injustice. This blog is my empathy to the 56,000 married men who commit suicide every year in India perhaps because of their wives.

      • sanjay mehra said

        I am glad to hear that fighter. There is an old maxim that when you dig a grave for another, you will end up digging two, one for yourself. The other person has the option whether to lie in that grave or not, but the digger has no option.
        When I see my estranged wife in court or in police stations, I always remember this. There is no peace and serenity on her face. She has put on weight and the worry lines and bitterness are clearly visible.
        But, I am also starting life again and am less afraid and more secure today than I have been for a long time.

  4. vishal said

    Hey Commando …
    This blog and Judgemt collection is very usefull for me and for other innocent harrashed husbands.. …U r setting example for others …What to say about ur wife ..should i bless her for giving us commando like u who is setting example for others also ….or should i curse her for putting false allegations against her Husband and family ..My exp say these kind of grls will repent but i wanna say “ek roz tuzko hosh aaye ge lekin boahat der ho jaye ge”

    keep it up and nail them hard

  5. raj said

    Nicky,

    After reading and studying all your comment it is certain that the point you make is ,
    1. Ego makes the marriage to split
    2. Men marry because they want to have sex.
    3. Women marry that because they want to have money.
    4. Loving spouse is the right person to be a partner in life.

    If you look in depth all the points you make are superficial. None of these are a reason for a success or failure. Life itself a miracle which no one knew how many things happening in the world. If you put your mind on these points on individual cases it will fail miserbly. Let me explain..
    1. Ego is nothing but disagreement on facts. We are not certain about ALL facts in ALL time. So every person has the ego that includes men,women and kids. So how do you conclude the marriages were successful in your family, friends and ancestors?.
    2. Men marry for sex. It is a joke again. Yes, men in nature biologically need to have sex . This need starts from teen ages. But most of men marry after 30th birthday of them. If your arguement is correct all men should marry as soon as they get into their need.
    3. Women marry for money. Money is needed for life . Do you know why?. Money is nothing but amount of work done for some time. Everything in this world is derived by work. Your arguement makes women want live working nothing as a lazy person. If todays working women have same mindset of you then why would they marry a man?.
    4. Loving person is the right one to be life partner. Can you answer how many run-away brides end up in bitter split within two years of marriage?.

    So the life itself is strange and marriage is two life under one roof. So it is strange + strange. Everybody has the liberty to live as they wish as long as others freedom is preserved. So let the individual decide what he/she wants during the life journey at the cost of not depriving anothers freedom.

    If we all agree this then why should a policy or law interfere in one’s personal life?.

  6. vassuudev said

    hey , may i know , is that same shruti sharma of Infosys?..

    Sorry if that is so , then i have some INSIDE info, which i can share..

    I am a colleague in same company and i knew the same gossip against her…

    Thanks,
    vasudev

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      Friend, thanks for your offer to help. I have all the gossip about my beloved wife and do not need any further help.

      In any case – it is not Shruti Sharma. I thought my wife’s name is all over my blogs, how can someone miss the name Shruti Verma.

  7. Nikhil said

    Hello, I have been reading your posts for quite some time and I am really curious. Who did you think lost more in this whole mess? You or your wife?

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      Hi, I think my wife lost more for the following reasons:

      1. Like usually is the case, my wife was younger to me. Hence, I was much ahead in my career. I think we both had a tough time but the impact was less on my career than on her career. Eg. she was a sincere person, and would have done her MBA from a good university if things would have went on normal, but now I doubt whether she would ever even get a business school degree.

      2. Talking about career, I had some real good stamps on my resume (iit iim etc); while my wife was from a relatively unknown college. That also helped me absorb the shock better.

      3. In the initial stages, I was alone while my wife enjoyed the support of society at large. Later, as and when I met more and more people like me, I realized that I am not alone. In fact, my social support system is better than hers today.

      So all in all, I tend to believe that she lost more than I did. What is interesting to note here is that it was her choice to break apart the home and go to the court. I wasn’t happy in the marriage but I was putting up with everything and trying to make it work.

      • sunil said

        Hi ilsv,,

        I relate your point “What is interesting to note here is that it was her choice to break apart the home and go to the court. I wasn’t happy in the marriage but I was putting up with everything and trying to make it work…” to my story…

        But what are my options as a suffering husband to end such a arrangement ?

        -Sunil

  8. Varun said

    What do your parents have to say about all your fight? Is there no pressure from them to settle the matter? I am facing similar problems in my life. I want to fight back but family says just settle the matter and live life peacefully. Sometimes I get very afraid that my father in law will physically hurt my parents

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      Let me divide your questions into two categories – first about me and then in general.

      About me – I have gone too far on the path of activism. Today, frankly I somewhat feel on similar lines as the freedom fighters of this country felt. Their feeling was much more but I also think along similar lines – that someone has to sacrifice if things have to improve. If everyone decides not to fight back thinking about their safety then the men of this nation will continue to fall prey to these goons.

      In general – I can understand if there is pressure from your parents about settling the matter. Most of these cases happen in families of men who come from decent educated employed working class, where people aren’t really habitual of ongoing animosity. Following are the things I think you can do:
      1. Be happy so that first your parents do not feel sad for you. Secondly, they learn that it is possible to be happy despite all the legal mess.
      2. Tell them that may be they have to visit the court 10 times in the next 2 years, but this will save you 20 years of self-pity.
      3. Request them to be a part of your fight for your rights.

  9. Sangita said

    Sir, I need help. I underwent a lot of torture in my married life. I am 31 years old. I want to get remarried but my husband is not granting me divorce. I have been fighting the case in court since I was 26 years old. I read your view that because of menopause, women should be in a hurry to get divorce. Sir, I have two questions 1. What can I do to make the divorce process quicker. If it goes on at the present speed, then I would be dead before divorced. 2. If menopause happens only in late 40s, should I be worried about it at my present age?

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      1. The only divorces that happen in India are mutual consent. Unless you and your spouse agree to the terms and conditions , you can forget about the divorce. Read here (http://wp.me/plC3a-bs) to see how a case needing 3 hearings takes more than 100 to finish.

      2. This question comes often and hence I have included it in the FAQ section at http://wp.me/PwezX-K

  10. R said

    Dear Iluvshrutiverma,

    I couldn’t resist looking at your social blog after your legal blog. But somehow failed to understand why they are called two blogs. You are seemingly living this life and somehow agree with Sanjay and Nicky here of giving Shruti more importance than she deserves.
    I am just at the periphery of this battle which somehow is being imposed on me by a spineless human being. While making me do this, he is not only wasting his life but also make me fight for things I believe. All I hope now is that if we ever meet in court, he should settle it quickly especially for the sake of my 17m old daughter who is not wanted by her own idiotic father.
    There is no bigger gain than life itself and it is better spent living it rather than wasting in court battles.

    Good luck!
    R

    • sanjay mehra said

      Dear R,
      After so long, I have heard a woman making a comment about the sanctity and beauty of life rather than the silly justifications that I hear in these sites about how they are forced to fight for money and justice.
      My dear, when your divorce is through and hopefully my spineless wife has also given me one, marry me.
      warm regards
      sanjay mehra

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        This is truly funny. I never knew my blog will become a site for people to find matrimonial matches ;)

        Just joking, please keep the healthy discussions going…. thanks

      • R said

        Dear Sanjay,

        Thanks. I will take it as a compliment :)
        But I truly believe that even if you are wronged you should try to avoid a fight when you will lose further. I was wronged and I don’t want to waste my (and my 18m old daughter’s) time and happiness over a useless person who is ignorant enough to realise his happiness.

        Good Luck. May time and God help us all become better human beings.

        Regards,
        R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        Hi R,

        We will agree to disagree here.

        If one is correct and was unfairly treated, then he/ she will fight back.

        In fact, only people who were truly tortured fight back, rest look for an easy way out. (That might be the reason that most cases settle out of court).

        And we are not talking about small domestic arguments here, those can be ignored. Eg my wife and I had several small arguments between us, but I am not holding that against her. But later she has done big blunders for which she has to pay.

        Unfortunately, I can not make all her supporters pay, so she has to pay for all of them.

        Regards

      • sanjay mehra said

        Dear R,
        It was meant to be a compliment.
        Some fights are forced on us. I knew when I walked out that my marriage was over. I bent over backwards to try and get a mutual divorce and sensible visitations with my daughter who was only 4 at that time. She is 6 now. But my wife wanted me out of my daughter’s life and made allegations which you probably can’t imagine. She was ok with the money that I was giving, but did not want me to meet my daughter at all.
        Like I said some fights are forced on us. I have not seen or spoken to my daughter in 4 months. God knows when I will see her again. Do I have the right to be bitter or shall I just quit on my child and move on. To be or not to be. That is the question.
        warm regards
        sanjay mehra

      • R said

        Sanjay,

        Am sorry to hear about your wife not allowing you to meet your daughter. Fathers are very important to daughters — can vouch for it for have an excellent relationship with my father.

        Probably she is insecure that if you meet your daughter, her relationship with the child may get jeopardised. Love at times can give way to clinging. I saw that aspect in my mother in law for my husband but then thats another story, which is best forgotten.

        And it would again probably be her insecurity that led her to take help of a lawyer who felt that a grave charge is required to wedge a father-daughter relationship.

        You will meet your daughter soon. Don’t lose hope. After all, the child is growing up and will get a mind of her own — sooner, I hope. As you said, your wife is a good mother and hopefully she will also understand that the child needs both parents, even if they are not willing to live together. Plus, a child is not a commodity who will live with your stories all her life — some day the child will realise things on her own and relationships will face their test.

        While I hope my daughter gets to bond with her father, I know that she will not for the loser he is — the ignorant who does not know what he is missing out on.

        And thanks for the marriage offer. I heartily accept it as your hand of friendship. Welcome, friend!

        Regards,
        R

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      Hi R,

      About the undue importance being given to Shruti Verma – well, all credit goes to her for bringing out the Commando in me. As I have mentioned somewhere before ‘I never knew that there can be an aspiration that can motivate me to such an extent’ (This dialogue is copied from the movie Rang De Basanti).

      Why do you guys (Sanjay, Nikki, R) think that this is a waste? I have such tremendous satisfaction in helping other victims. I myself feel very proud that I stood up for my self – respect and did not bow in front of a legal terrorist.

      What else can be more a more worthy use of my time?

      Regards

      • Greed_killer said

        Hi,

        Up until the bachelorhood days my aspiration was to have a family, find success in career and have a decent life. The only problem that this marital dispute has caused is that priorities have changed drastically. What seemed important and interesting at one point in time looks worthless now. I am upset about this shift in my outlook because this was caused by a weakness in someone else. i hate getting in to disputes but if someones pulls you in on the battleground you cant let him slaughter you just because you are nice guy.
        But this message is for the bad people out there – “What you sow is what you reap”. No matter happens to me in the courtroom, natures laws make the bad person suffer and good ones will do ok with their lives. And this is true.

        Best regards

        V

      • R said

        Dear Iluvshrutiverma,

        You have a perspective and would agree with it to some extent. However, when you put out the word “victims”, many a times it is prejudiced.
        But then it is your life and you find meaning it. However, I also feel that many so called “victims” are not really victims. You would have read hate messages on the internet and they go down to talking rubbish. While undergoing all hardships, we all must remember to remain human and also that our hatred does not make us the person we hate.
        I am sorry if it too much of philosophy but just that I am working really hard not to hate my husband lest that it may lead me to malign him unduly in front of my daughter while bringing her up alone.

        Thanks for your thoughts. Good luck!
        R

      • sanjay mehra said

        Dear R,
        Easier said than done. But the human in us is what does not let us quit doing the right thing, no matter the hardships. I try hard not to be bitter towards my wife because I realize that all said and done, she is a good mother and I will probably have to see her with civilized behaviour for the sake of our daughter whom I love and miss very much. These bad times are sure to pass ( I hope ).
        The marriage offer is still open in case you change your mind.
        warm regards
        sanjay mehra

  11. InAgony said

    I have been going through the blogs recently as my only younger brother faces a slew of threats, abuses, allegations from his wife and in-laws. Never knew that womankind is resorting to such cheap means of gathering wealth. But would like to mention here that most of these young women are misguided by their greedy relatives who use these “idiotic, educated” ladies to grab money from wherever they possibly can….even if it means jeopardising the lives and reputation of the men they marry. My brother is in the USA and is too much of a gentleman to raise a voice against his wife in a public forum. We were brought up to respect our principles and decency.

    In my brother’s case it is his unemployed over-ambitious brother-in-law who is manipulating his sister to earn a fast buck. That he is already a defaulter on a heavy loan from a bank taken in partnership with a minister’s grandson for setting up an industry, that even as a kid he used to sell fake visas to unsuspecting students from Punjab and much more is happily ignored by my brother’s wife …… she threatens the entire family with Section 498.

    Our fault…we did not cj=heck the family’s antecedents before agreeing to the marriage. The truth remains that we were looking for an educated wife. Not a single item of dowry was demanded, and not a single item of dowry was given.

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      I completely agree that the relatives play a major role in these disputes. My wife was making $67,000 in US while she was working for Infosys.

      Now I do not know where she is working but I think she would be earning somewhat more than her previous salary.

      If a woman earning that much is fighting since 5 years for some little money, it has to be external influence.

      Now, let me tell you where we disagree – You said “too much of a gentleman to raise a voice against his wife in a public forum. We were brought up to respect our principles and decency”. Please read my post here and let’s see what you have to say: https://iluvshrutiverma.wordpress.com/2009/05/19/be-vocal-learning-series-1/

    • sanjay mehra said

      If your brother is too much of a gentleman to raise his voice against wrong being done, maybe he needs a new lesson in values. He now has two choices. The first is to stay on in the USA and never come back to this country where he will be harassed for no fault of his. The other choice is to take a hard look at his values and change according to the demands of life and times that he is facing.
      Hope he comes out of this with his humanity intact. Dignity and decency are the first casualties.

  12. R said

    I would agree with Sanjay that if your brother is too much of a gentleman to raise his voice against wrong being done, maybe he needs a new lesson in values.
    Well, in my case, I learnt it the hard way and faced the problem of not talking about issues till was deserted by my husband. I feel that the onus of my problem escalating to this end has one of this fault of mine at its bottom, apart from other things.
    And as for your sister in law, if she is really a pawn in someone’s hand and ready to ruin her happiness, it is better that your brother moves away asap. He must fight with dignity and compassion; yes, compassion. It will be tough as most advise you will receive is to screw someone’s happiness but my dear trust me on this, to screw someone’s happiness, you need to forgo yours too. The toughest path but really helps.
    From personal experience, am on it. The other party is troubling us a lot including gundas coming to home and threatening us but still have managed to get my FIR through. Next I am going towards challenging the grant of AB which may come for hearing next month and the child maintenance case which will come up later this month.
    To give you a background, my husband deserted me and my daughter on dowry demand and because a girl was born to us. The child was then 3 days old and is now 20 months old. the father has not cared to see her even once despite numerous efforts. I went to CAW about 6 months ago and after seeing no response from the other party, the FIR came through in March.

    Good luck! God Bless you and be with you on the right path.

    R

    • sanjay mehra said

      Dear R,
      If the only thing holding up your divorce and moving on is the money involved, let it go. Life at most times compensates for what we loose, but time gone by in fighting never comes back. Your daughter needs a dad and if the natural one is just not interested, it is best to let it go and try to find another relationship somewhere else.
      It may sound like a man talking because men are normally at the monetary end of the game, but I can tell this from experience. My mom was a big part of the break up of my marriage and lure of family property was the cause.
      Well, it hurt for a long time not to inherit what is justifiably mine, but at the end of the day, I just let it go. And I am not rich or secure to kick Rs.5 crores away, but life was precious and I choose to live free, rather than die every day, waiting, scheming and getting hurt for that money. It still hurts sometimes, especially when my idiot mother calls up to try and dangle me again, but it has had its compensations also. The price I have had to pay has not only been monetary (which is the easy part ), but also having to cut relations with my mother, my brothers and their children (whom I love very much ).
      Well to each life its own sadness. And this is mine.

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        Dear Sanjay,

        We have known each other through my blog for several months now, hence I would take the liberty to be blunt with you:

        I do not know what role your mother had to play in your marital disputes.

        BUT

        What I do know is that only spinless men pay up. Paying up and buying peace is the easiest thing for everyone. I can tell you that any 498a case that goes for more than a year goes on for money itself. Initially, the intention is to take revenge and make money. The revenge part is over within a few months. Eg. today I do not think Shruti Verma wants to take revenge fro me. We were married only for 4 – 6 months and have not seen each other for more than 4 years now. I doubt whether she even remembers me properly.

        So now from her side she is fighting only for money. From my side, I am fighting because I am no doormat that anyone can walk over me. I am fighting to give her back what she gave me in 2006 – yes, I am from the batch of 2006. 498a was filed in 2006 :)

        About peace of mind and freedom, I can tell you that I have not been so happy in my life as I am since the last 1-2 years. My health has improved, my career has improved. I am at the peak of my three and a half decades of life.

        Moreover, paying up one bad woman encourages 10 others to file false 498a cases. How did my wife’s family know about these cases? Because in their social circles, they must have heard ‘File a dowry case, it will cause a lot of trouble to the husband, and then you can get 5 lac rupees also from them, look at x y z they all made money.

      • sanjay mehra said

        Dear Iloveshrutiverma,

        I never mentioned anything about paying up in my comment. All I said was relating to letting go of lure of money if possible for the greater benefit of life ahead. If R does not really need the money, she may be better off finding other possibilities in life, than holding up a divorce in a dead marriage. If one needs the money desperately than ofcourse the paradigms are different and choices made would be different.

        Thank you for not giving me the same comment that I hear from everyone ” A mother can’t do this to her child”. Well, mine did.

        As far as paying up to settle cases is concerned, it is always a personal and controversial choice. At some point, the cases may seem/ become pointless as people develop new interests, lives and relationships. So it is a subjective choice best left to each individual’s personal outlook.

        At this stage of my life, I would not pay to settle these cases, but the future may bring a new me, who knows. Ditto for you. Some day Shruti Verma may tire of fighting for money and you may tire of fighting her. You both may find other relationships which may be more important. At that point, the price may come down to a point where it may not be worth your time to fight it. This is just hypothetical thinking and in no way derogatory or a slur on your fight.

        After all we all desire and deserve the right to be peaceful and happy, don’t we ?

        warm regards

        sanjay mehra

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        Dear Sanjay,

        I have seen many mothers being responsible for ruining their daughter’s marriage so I am not really shocked to see that a man’s mother (yours) was also partly responsible in spoiling her son’s marriage.

        You are right that paying up is a choice but we all had that choice – actually always. Initially cases are filed for revenge/ anger too but that dies down in 6 – 12 months depending on how long the marriage lasted. After that it is all about the money for the girl.

        About the hypothetical situation that you mentioned “At that point, the price may come down to a point where it may not be worth your time to fight it.”. I (like most people) am not fighting for money. Usually I do not put personal numbers but let me put things in perspective.

        I was making 7.5 Lacs p.a. fixed + around 40% bonus the year I got married. On the day of 498a, I was making around 18.5 Lacs fixed plus bonus. When maintenance case was filed, I quit my job to avoid maintenance. I started a degree in law and started a joint venture with a friend of mine. Today we employ close to 140 people and the turnover last year was Rs 6.88 Crore. I have a majority stake in this company.

        Compare this to what Shruti Verma’s demands are – The day 498a was filed, they asked for 25 Lacs (this is the standard number, everyone starts with 25 for domestic husbands and 50 for NRIs). 1 year after 498a, their demand 9 Lacs. If they were asking for 9, probably a deal could have been worked out at 4.5 – 5 if negotiated properly. That time, my parents had to go to the court every 2 weeks (to their hometown). I had a maintenance case running in one city, 498a in another city, Dowry prohibition in a third city, information technology act in fourth city. I was in a very tight situation.

        After that (in the last 3 years or so), I have won the maintenance case. I have got all the other cases clubbed into a neutral city. Her judicial separation case has been dismissed by the court, divorce case has not yet started. Things have changed so much, so if 3 years back the ‘deal’ was workable at 5 lacs, I think today it will work at 50,000/-.

        Given my earning numbers above, you might believe that I spent that kind of money on hiring a personal gym instructor once. So if price was the main factor then this fight is not worth my time even today. But it’s something bigger than price!

        This post has already become too long, rest some other day….. keep writing…. God bless

        Also: For all you know I am already in a very important and intimate relationship today:)

      • R said

        Sanjay,
        I would tend to agree with ILSV and would just add to interchange the idea of a man with a woman.
        My so called husband wants me to pay him for the divorce and thus, peace in my life.
        This man has never spent a penny on me since the day we got married. Even honeymoon expenses were on me, so was rent when we moved out of his parents house (his parents wanted us to move so that they can be purview of all legal hassles somehow and that when we separate I cannot claim any access to the matrimonial home). Today, not even my daughter can legally seek rights to live in her father’s house for she has never even been there. If may be possible, but really difficult.
        I filed 498a for my streedhan for I was not willing to let go of that and also pay him an obscene amount of money to get a divorce.
        And as for a father, kisi ko mukammal jahan nahi milta .
        Plus, sabko apni ladai khud ladni padti hai.

        These are the two premises I live/exist with. I filed 498a in Nov end 2009 and have got the FIR in March. I will fight the AB when it comes for hearing hopefully next month.
        As for documents, I have submitted all possible with the IO. — lists, expenses details, bank withdrawal details, cheques/credit card details, photographs. And also have soon excellent evidence which I have kept to be presented directly at court — an audio acceptance of my mother in law that she will not give me back my jewellery.
        The inlaws have all along been saying that i have taken away all my jewellery and mortgaged it for a plot which is owned by my husband. they are also unwilling to accept that if i mortgaged my jewellery, i should have a share in the plot and you know the best part, this plot is part of my streedhan gifted by my father and we have proof of that.
        I have all the proofs in the world and the hard task now is to present is properly in the court.
        I need to fight this battle, not just to save what is mine and bring it back to me but also against the unjust demands of the other side. If they succeed today, they will do the same with someone else at a later date. Plus I also have an unmarried brother in law who also may follow this channel.

        Peace matter. But the cost at which is comes should be just. And if I leave it all for peace, I don’t feel it is just.

        Thanks,
        R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything.

        People who think they have been treated unfairly by their spouse/ spouse’s family should learn from you.

      • R said

        ILSV,

        >>I am at the peak of my three and a half decades of life.

        Trust me, the peak is yet to come. :)

        R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        ha ha, thank you friend :)

      • sanjay mehra said

        Dear R & ILSV,

        Point taken, noted and agreed with. There can be many reasons to fight, but none more so than a just fight. Good luck to both of you. You both deserve to win and so you will.

        warm regards

        sanjay mehra

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        Dear Sanjay,

        I have always maintained that your views are as important as mine; and I am glad that you see sense in my views also.

        Regards

      • R said

        ILSV, Sanjay,
        Thanks.
        Well, as for me the battle has just started. My family members weigh every other day if I should give up and really have to remind them — nothing has changed since the day I decided to file 498a. The man never remembered me or his daughter even once.
        But I had a laugh of my life – just before the FIR, the man in front of the SHO claimed that he came numerable times to my parents house to see the child and I never opened the door. To this, when I said why he did not receive my single call since the child was born, he had no answer. Also he had no answer to the fact that he has never made a single call to me. I really laugh at this and feel that there will be many more like this way forward, especially when the maintenance case comes for hearing. I somehow expect a lot of such crap my way :)

        And as for getting settled, married etc, which Sanjay referred to, I have lost faith in the system. I don’t think it will/can work for me. A child is a great responsibility and I cannot risk it just to test my luck again. Many divorced mothers when they get married again find it very difficult to do justice to the upbringing of their children from first marriage. The scene gets tougher in my case with my girl have such an ugly useless person as a father.

        R

        R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        R,

        You are right that the battle has just started.

        As far as giving up is concerned, think about whether you would be able to live happily everafter despite the injustice done to you. Also, some extra money will not harm to raise your daughter better.

        You are also right that more of such drama will happen in maintenance cases. What surprises me is the fact that you have not filed a maintenance case yet.

        About getting married again – it is a personal choice. Though what I would like to state here is that being happy has not got much to do with being happy. Being happy and satisfied is important. Even if relationship becomes a necessaity, marriage is not the only route to a relationship.

        Good luck

      • R said

        Sanjay,

        Must say its the first time I heard a man accepting his mother having a role in messing his marriage.
        A woman’s mother/father is blamed all the time by men but most fail to realise the other side.

        R

      • sanjay mehra said

        Dear R,

        Mine is a strange story which I should chronicle and sell to Bollywood. Unfortunately, it is also just unbelievable and most people are only able to believe the story when they know me better. But anyway, whether you believe it or not, here it is.

        This is a second marriage for both me and Neeta (my wife). My first marriage broke down in a very civilized fashion because we wanted different things from our lives. Neeta’s first marriage broke down under the usual accusations of man being a drunkard, wife beater, impotent and womanizer. Pretty standard stuff. We dont have any children from our first marriages, even though we both love kids.

        We lived in our family compound with my brothers and their families and my mother. We all ran our own kitchens. My Nana had bought the plot of land for my mother before she was married and the house was built by my father. After my father’s death (a little before my second marriage) my mother quietly in connivance with my brothers sold all the shares which were owned by my father and did not give me my share of the same. They were worth a couple of crores.

        Then she wanted me to vacate my portion of the house so she could have it demolished for reconstruction. When I told her that we need to have an agreement of eventual division of property, she grandly announced that she was going to bequeath the property to the daughter-in-laws. The only person effected by this was me as my marriage was already in trouble. What I realized only later was that my mother had been telling this to my wife since a long time. This was the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. My wife felt that she did not need to make the marriage work as her mother-in-law was already so benevolent. The situation got worse and I eventually left home and shifted else where leaving her in possession of my house.

        My mother got my wife to hand over possession of my flat to her and had the house demolished and stole my household items. This lead to police complaints and fights, with my wife siding with my mother and writing police complaints against me. My mother then sued me in Domestic Violence Act to get a protection order so I could not approach the property and hamper construction. The case is still on. My wife sued me in DVA and I filed for divorce and custody of my daughter. My wife’s condition to grant me a divorce is that I give up rights to visit and meet my daughter. That is what is holding up the divorce.

        The funny part is that my mother got rid of my wife a few days after getting possession of the property. So my wife and daughter have been living at her parents house for the last 2 years. And there is only long distance sympathy from my mother’s side for Neeta. I doubt if she will ever get a dime from her. So now that poor fool who broke her marriage thinking she will get a property worth Rs.4 crores is chasing me in courts for Rs.10,000/- per month child support, which I refuse to pay because she wont let me see my daughter in peace.

        And the funnier part is that the mother who did everything in her power to see me dead or atleast mortally wounded is chasing me to make peace with her and take my share of the property. Her motives are as foolish as they have always been. She has lost all social face and respect in society, to the extend that she is now the butt of sarcasm. For a face conscious idiot like my mother, that is a big big blow in life.

        So, do you believe my story or do you think I am fibbing ? There are many more subplots and folds which I have eliminated to keep it short.

        warm regards

        sanjay mehra

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        Hi Sanjay,

        “Neeta’s first marriage broke down under the usual accusations of man being a drunkard, wife beater, impotent and womanizer”.

        She already had a proven track record of putting false allegations. You were foolish not to understand this politics when you got married to her.

        All of us acted foolish in our lives – there were ‘indicators’ of potential problems with most of these problematic girls/ families, but alas we were not wise enough to understand these things at that time.

      • R said

        ILSV,
        I have filed maintenance for the child only. Case comes for first later this week. Drama is all round the corner :) It was filed for some pressure on the other party for he too has the responsibility to share some burden. Am okay with a 70:30 ratio of expenses with the major share on myself.

        But for one thing, am sure even that 30% is gonna hurt the other party a lot — the gold digger mean miserly loser who doesn’t understand the gift of God he was blessed with.

        Relationship – a necessity? Dunno about that as of now but hopeful that it shouldn’t be a necessity for myself – personal choice. I am quite fearful for my girl’s wellbeing.

        By the way, any inputs on what happens at the maintenance hearing? Do I need to prepare anything?

        R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        R,

        It is very interesting to see that you are asking only for 30% of the child expenses. Since the idea is to hurt the other party, you might have as well asked for the maximum possible.

        If the maintenance case is coming up for a first hearing, I do not hope that much is going to happen. The case will just get admitted and you will get the next date. Court battles are damn slow.

        See, if you can ask for interim monetary relief (interim maintenance) ‘pendelite’ court proceedings. The court will order some amount that should be paid to you every month while the court makes a final decision on the matter.

      • R said

        Sanjay,

        Trust me, its too spicy for even our good old bollywood. Perhaps tollywood will help you — if you may recall, Rajnikath once filmed a scene where had one bullet, one knife and two villains to kill. He fired the bullet, swiftly sent his knife after that bullet to slice it in two pieces and each piece killed a villain. Job done.

        Jokes apart, this is quite sad. Bad luck. And hope you meet your child soon.

        R

    • R said

      ILSV,

      Well, my main reason for filing child’s maintenance is to get my streedhan/a divorce.

      The other party is asking for money from me to give a divorce and want to ensure that I never file anything to seek anything for the child. They also haven’t given back my streedhan/jewellery etc and claiming that I took it all myself — imagine me carrying the wooden beds on my own out of the house when I never even had the key to the house or carrying my jewellery when it has been locked in MiL’s locker. No worries as have ample proof against all this.

      As for child’s maintenance, I think can manage it self. Its just that the case may add in to the pressure. The IO told me that under 498a he will not be able to advise arrest of in-laws, only husband despite proof etc as laws are stricter now. Despite all my efforts earlier to get streedhan provided futile at CAW as the other party would not even accept they have it. Interestingly, they accept that my parents gifted in laws a lot of gold but do not accept them having given anything to my husband. Also I don’t have all in-laws in complaint, only who used to beat/harass me.

      R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        Are you saying that your complaint at CAW was not converted to FIR?

        Then it might be that the number of misuse cases have increased so much that now even the genuine cases are not heard.

        To get back your streedhan, IPC 406 can be used.

      • R said

        Right, misuse?
        Is it the new word for the century?
        me being beaten up for dowry, my daughter not being accepted for she is a girl and even my streedhan taken. And you saying I am misusing the law? I am saying I want my streedhan back and they are not giving. If I file 406 and claim it will they give back? On a platter? So easy? Had it been so easy I wouldn’t have even stepped in the police station after trying for over 14 months for the other party to see me or the child in discussion. And please just think for a moment that I waited for 14 months after being deserted at the hospital itself. Do you think it is easy to go to your parents home from hospital with a newborn and hoping that the other party is still thinking of keeping this marriage alive?

        Just because am not all out with all the possible cases doesn’t mean I can’t be genuine? I can be as genuine as your fight is.

        The loser is asking for money to give divorce and no return of steedhan. So what should I do?

        I have suffered injustice and really today its is beyond revenge or money. I need what is rightly mine. In my view there is nothing wrong to strive for that. I am not asking for any alimony or share in his property. Only what was mine.

        R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        Dear R,

        I am copy pasting exactly what I said earlier “Are you saying that your complaint at CAW was not converted to FIR? Then it might be that the number of misuse cases have increased so much that now even the genuine cases are not heard.”

        Where is scope for any communication gap here? I thought what I said means – There is so much misuse that even gennuine cases are not being heard. Your case appears to be genuine but because so many of your predecessors have misused it, that even you are not being heard today.

        By the way, I am surprised that CAW did not do anything. Did you approach NCW?

      • R said

        ILSV,

        Sorry must have misread. Just was too stressed and worried but going to court today made me realise that I wasted so much energy on getting stressed/worried.

        No I didn’t to go NCW. A tamasha cannot help you fight all the time.

        As told you earlier, child maintenance was scheduled. Wasted morning in court at first hearing. Was given a date :).

        The beginning it seems…

        R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        R,

        I am glad that the misunderstanding is clear now.

        No legal fight is easy. Unfortunately our legal system is very very slow.

        I am still surprised that you could not get even an FIR registered – despite the presence of NCW, CAW, WCD.

        One of the techniques used by wives is to get admitted in the hospital saying husband and in-laws have beaten them. Under those circumstances it becomes a medico legal case and then the police is obliged to register an FIR.

        If they do not, the SHO of the concerned police station might be under trouble – because the police can not guage how serious the medical injuries are, and if something happens to the wife then the hospital will say that we had informed the police station on time, they did not act.

        The other thing you can try to do is – go and meet some higher police official – like the commissioner of police and they would direct the FIR to be registered.

      • R said

        ILSV,

        I have been causing too many confusions on your blogosphere it seems :)
        Well, FIR was registered end March. I did mention it in a message on May 17th when I narrated the funny incident in front of the SHO. Her it goes again…

        >>I had a laugh of my life – just before the FIR, the man in front of the SHO claimed that he came numerable times to my parents house to see the child and I never opened the door. To this, when I said why he did not receive my single call since the child was born, he had no answer. Also he had no answer to the fact that he has never made a single call to me. I really laugh at this and feel that there will be many more like this way forward, especially when the maintenance case comes for hearing. I somehow expect a lot of such crap my way. :)

        R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        Hi,
        I do not know why it appeared to me that the FIR was not registered. Somewhere you mentioned that things did not move beyond CAW. Anyways, so the FIR was registered around 2 months back. What has happened after that?

        As far as the maintenance case was concerned, what happened today in the court was what we had predicted yesterday. By the way I hope you are aware that there are several provisions to receive maintenance – Crpc125, DV act, HMA 24, HAMA! And most of them have a provision for interim maintenance.

      • sanjay mehra said

        Dear R,

        Wasted dates in courts are the norm. Welcome to the beginning of stress and wasted time. And the decision at the end is always a compromise because Indian judges come from backgrounds where divorces, contested divorces,custody & visitation battles, maintenance & domestic violence issues are not known or kept under covers. So they duck their heads in the sand and hope that both parties will get tired and come to a settlement on their own.

        As I always tell my divorcing friends that we are the first generation who are getting divorced en-mass and for the second or the third time. The law is still stuck in the saat janam ka saath soap opera. That is why the hesitation to call a spade a spade. And we suffer while the courts try to play ham handed cupid, to try and save the so called marriage.

        Hope you have a short & fruitful stay in courts.

        warm regards

        sanjay mehra

      • R said

        ILSV,

        Well, post FIR they received all the copies of documents again – marriage proofs, bills, expense details, bank statements, photographs, etc. All bills were not of Delhi so verification took time but all is done now. IO is yet to do a local enquiry and has told us that as is overburdened will only proceed towards arrest, etc in a month’s time. I have pencilled around June 15th as the likely time for AB to be filed by the other party.

        Maintenance. I don’t need for myself. Am working and frankly was even maintaining my husband when we were together. He gave all his money to his mother and took money from me for his own expenditure. Even our honeymoon was funded by me. And mind it, he earns more than me — almost 40% more.

        All I have sought is maintenance for the child so that in one way he does accept her to be his child. He and his family have been crap about the child as they feel that no girl can be born in their family. With this maintenance, hopefully, we will be able to belittle room for crap reaching my child’s ears especially in her growing years.

        All this will take time but no worries. My only concern is that to save himself from maintenance, he may even ask for custody and had he been any good I would have gone for sharing it but somehow can’t see why should trust this person now. He had not even showed an intent to see the child till date, who is now 20m old.

        R

      • R said

        Thanks for your wishes, Sanjay.

      • sanjay mehra said

        R,

        If you are claiming child support only for your husband to acknowledge that the child is his, why bother ? Any child born in a marriage is legally presumed to be of the marriage.

        I acknowledge that the fight is just, but my dear, it is after all only one life to live and it is yours. As far as custody is concerned, you can rest assured that you are on safe grounds. He is likely to get visitations only if he wants and you can learn how to block those from an expert, my estranged wife. She will make you a pro at blocking child visitations. The only downside is the worry lines, bitterness, unhappiness and general withdrawal from social intercourse.

        Hope your experiences in courts is better than what I have experienced till now.

        warm regards

        sanjay mehra

      • R said

        Sanjay,

        I saw some issues cropping up and decided to nip in the bud right now itself. Money isn’t the question here but it can support the answer.

        On life to live – total agreement. That also gives me the responsibility to make it worth living.

        As for the other party, I don’t think he will ever truly desires visitation. He will get it if he wants. And if he shows trustworthiness, I wouldn’t even mind shared custody. A child needs both parents for proper nourishment and growth.

        The other party was hopeful that I wouldn’t ask for my streedhan back as that would disclose to the neighbourhood/extended family that am separated and single mom. Strangely that hasn’t been an issue as we have been plain open about it and even attended many social events well. Plus it is all disclosed at my office by myself so things sorted there too.

        R

    • sunil said

      Hi R,,

      I believe every case is different. Litigation go on and lives of people get wasted around court room only because either of the parties believes they are right… fight of couples become fight of groups/families and groups/families refuse to die down easily… if not so lawyers are their to keep fueling it…

      Why can’t couple just settle it amicably… money or life or revenge choose wisely… In the interest of your daughter settle it with your husband…

      “When someone treats u like an option, help them narrow down their choices by removing yourself from the equation”

      Sunil

  13. R said

    Has anyone read this news?

    Dowry-hungry husband asks friends to rape wife
    Thursday, May 6, 2010, 16:32 [IST]
    Chandigarh, May 5: A woman was allegedly gangraped by her husband’s friends at his behest for failing to meet his dowry demands.
    According to police department spokesman, the woman narrated the incident to Director General (Administration) Swaranjit Singh.
    The victim, who belonged to an affluent Dalit family from Ahar village in Panipat district, said that her husband, who is a Jat from Naru-Kheri village in Karnal, had been harrasing her for dowry from the time they been married in Apr 2009, the spokesman said.
    The woman in her complain said, after failing to meet his demand, he took her to a tantrik, who was later joined by some of her husband’s friends in raping her.
    Rohtak Range IG V Kamaraja has been asked to investigate the matter and submit report within a week.
    http://news.oneindia.in/2010/05/06/dowry-hungry-husband-asks-friends-to-rape-wife.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+oneindia-news-india+(Oneindia+-+News+India+)

  14. InAgony said

    Hi ILSV, Sanjay Mehra,

    Point I would like to make here is that we are all witnessing the rot of Indian society. Everything is driven by money and selfishness and most people manipulate every possible relationship to make quick money.

    I feel that an ideal situation would be :

    - Marriage has to be initially approached like a corporate merger
    - Both initially should have well defined boundaries for yours, mine and ours with strong focus on building common (ours) financial, emotional and material pool
    - Both partners should work out a list of expenses and duties in case both are working
    - Parents should give married kids enough space. A system I have observed works well is – live in the same colony, but in separate houses
    - Parents should absolutely not interfere in the day to day functioning of their married kids.
    - Married kids should have an understanding to tell parents on either side to hold off after a certain point
    - Parents should ensure they do not use kids to secure their financial future

    As far as my brother is concerned, he is positioned fairly well as a Director in a SW company in NY. I am at a senior position in a semiconductor company. Our parents provided us with a good education and value system, fed and clothed us well and taught us to take independent decisions. Then they let us go…watching from a distance and providing guidance from time to time.

    Coming from a defense services background instilled in us many other values like integrity, putting others before self etc. Therefore impression many people get is that we are polite and they can take us for a ride.

    Where we are today is purely on our own merit and hard work. However, many folks do not want to wait or work their way up and they look for shortcuts…..polite people seem easy targets.

    My husband and I have been through our own share of adjustment issues; but quoting sections from the IPC was never resorted to. One of my kids is a law student and I hope she takes up the cause of wrongly accused as her social responsibility.

    But never in the worst of my dreams I thought I would have to think about an anticipatory bail for my family anfd myself for…..no crime!!

    Such is life.

    But I firmly resolve to fight through this all. I would still appreciate if my SIL sits with my brother and tries to make their marriage work. We assure her of all necessities she needs in life, but no hefty settlements to fund her unemployed brother’s outrageous lifestyle or pay her family’s debts caused by uncontrolled spending urges. We still beleive in the old school of thought – if you earn a Rupee, save 25 paise, spend 70 paise and at the end of the year buy goodwill gifts for family and servants with the remaining 5 paise.

    Being an intelligent person, a PhD., she should concentrate on her family life and career rather than losing her temper for the sake of a lazy parental family whose chief occupation seems to be extortion, chronic lying and shielding a criminal son.

    InAgony

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      Hi InAgony,

      You are such a sensible woman. I am sure most of the readers here will agree with everything you have said.

      The only difficulty is that “when the times are bad, mind stops to work”. I think that is happening in the case of your SIL (like it happens in most of the cases including my wife’s). So years later, your SIL will regret what she is doing at the encouragement of her family members.

      I particularly liked your point about parents being financially independent of their children.

    • sanjay mehra said

      Dear Inagony,
      Agree with you 100%. The only point I was trying to make when I made the comment about your brother was that life never remains the same and sometimes it just brings us face to face with certain values and habits which just don’t work in the current circumstances. And it is best at that time to change with times so that one is able to harness our strengths to fight, circumstances and situations which need fighting. Eg: I was very much like your brother once. I would never think about hurting anyone or voicing my hurts in public. But times have changed me and I no longer feel hesitant in being blunt if need arises.
      It is a survival tactic and we all need to survive to thrive.
      warm regards
      sanjay mehra

  15. InAgony said

    Hi R,

    It is heartrending to see educated people behave this way…..A child is a child, be it a daughter or a son. My eldest born is a daughter. The younger two are boys; the middle child being born with a birth problem as he was extremely premature.

    All children in the house get the same benefits and penalties. All have to necessarily help in the household chores, maybe as small as laying the table. They polish their own shoes and iron their own clothes.

    Seeing the trend around, I do not want them to start life thinking of themselves as princes and princesses. My husband and I havae made it clear that they get good food and education and other benefits have to be either dire needs or goodies like PSPs, laptops etc. have to ‘earned’ via marks, behaviour, help. Then they have to slog it out on their own; choose their own spouses and make their married lives work. We will only provide help if approached for or in an adverse situation.

    In fact I see most families around treating their girls with lots of affection and providing good education to them.

    Your husband must be a monster of a man to ignore his daughter.

    May God Bless your child with a bright future.

    • R said

      Thanks and please change your name, my humble request.
      Our lives have a lot of agonies and we can’t give them importance beyond what is due.

      Good luck to your brother.

  16. FightingBack (New name of InAgony) said

    Hi R,

    I appreciate your suggestion. But “InAgony” – this is exactly the frame of mind I am in when I am thinking of this unimaginable situation.

    Unfortunately, we do not want to put our exact names when discussing these issues out of sheer disbelief that we are facing this situation.

    It is still unbelievable that I am receiving support at a blog I would have dismissed sometime back.

    From today I change my name to “FightingBack”. This is exactly what I plan to do.

    For the last few days there has been a lull….do I see some action on the horizon? Yes. SIL plans to come to India in a few days time minus the brother.

    I would appreciate if she sees sense. However, I also need to keep myself and my family prepared

    ILSV, my questions to you are?

    1. Does it make sense to hire a family lawyer and seek counselling for her?
    2. If she files a false case, what do I need to prepare myself with?
    3. Her brother deals with lawyers very frequently due to his past. He is married to a non-practicing lawyer whose father also a lawyer and was advising him on some cases in a different state. Can he with his wife’s help send a legal notice? He has threatened us a couple of times. He remains unemployed.
    4. They want money from my brother for his wife. However, she is a teaching assistant who can support herself. She also does not want to ask for money. She wants access to bank accounts so that her pride is not hurt asking for money. Is my brother liable to support her and also pitch in with financial help to her family, while she sits and wastes time inspite of having worked in the past and being adequately qualified.
    5. She and her brother and father have been threatening section 498a and others on my mom, me, my husband and even my kids. Do the following weaken her case :

    (a) she has been living away from my brother on the west coast side, studying and my brother has been on the east coast area working
    (b) we have not accepted a penny worth of dowry money or item – this is the truth!!
    (c) she has flown down to meet my brother only 3 times in 6 years
    (d) my brother flies down 1-2 times a month to be with her. records can be produced from airlines etc.
    (e) she constantly argues and argues over trivia and inconsequential things when they are together, till the only solution that remains for my brother is to keep quiet to maintain peace or else she gets very hyper – result is marriage remains unconsummated (we worry if this was a planned thing?)
    (f) claims she did not want to marry and was forced by her family into marrying. She has quoted wanting divorce many times. Can this be taken as the reason for not establishing good relations with her husband and in-laws in the court of law?
    (g) has unreasonable demands that my brother should leave a good career in NY in a company he has been with for the last 8 yrs. and go and seek a new job where she gets employment. Who knows how long she will stick there? She has poor interpersonal skills and ends up fighting with and calling the cops on even her roommates.

    Would appreciate any help on the matter.

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      Fighting back,

      Anger is a very strong emotion. You can use it either way – either to your disadvantage or to your advantage. We can understand your frame of mind, but be angry and do something about it.

      You will always get support as long as you have been fair in the past and willing to take personal interest in your future fight.

      1. I do not think she will agree to counseling. Even if she does lawyers are the worse people you can go to for help. They make money only when disputes continue. Read more here http://wp.me/PwezX-K (search for conflict of interest)

      2. Depending on the kind of case, you might need Anticipatory bail

      3. Legal notice at this point should be the least of your worries. We can discuss that as and when it happens.

      4. Usually what these women/ families do is they would try to extract as much as they can on their own before going to the court. This is the most critical part, to safeguard as much of your finances as you can.

      She is not asking for bank accounts access not only because it hurts her pride, but also because she is hoping to withdraw all the money one day!

      Your brother is not liable to provide any help to her family. He is liable to support her but let her go to the court if she can prove that she is unable to maintain herself.

      Maintenance case will easily take a couple of years and in the end, she might not really get as much as you would think today.

      5. Most of the points go in your favor but hardly any 498 case gets proven in our great courts. 98% of the 498 cases are not proven. the only ones that are proven are where IPC 498a is combined with IPC 304B (dowry death). So, till the time she is alive, I can bet that your 498a case will not result in conviction.

      (If you would like to bet though, then you have to seek my advice when it happens – because I do not trust commerical lawyers. I am also a lawyer therefore I said ‘commercial lawyers’)

      Disclaimer: There have been some cases in Punjab where 498a conviction has happened even when the wife was alive but those are rare.

      Regards

    • R said

      Fighting Back,

      Just want to say one thing.
      At times our fear that something wrong may happen to us or the other person may hurt us, makes us very negative. We tend to mistrust everything the other person says and perceive it negatively. This tendency hurts the relationship more than anything else.
      My father in law is a top arbitration consultant and he began creating “proofs”, etc long before we were having issues with our marriage. The problem with that tendency was that it caught up with my husband and made him to do the same acts. What it led to was sheet mistrust and arguments which had no end. True none of my positive thinking and faith helped him understand reality but it did keep me firm on ground.
      And as for “proofs” it hasn’t helped them must. Plus I have excellent counters.

      Good luck!
      R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        Top arbitration consultant – interesting.

        I did not know alternative dispute resolution industry is that mature in India!

      • R said

        Meet him and you will know what he is doing.
        I was made to sit and record (audio) that they have never asked for any dowry, nor taking any dowry, they don’t beat me etc.

        Today I can claim that have beaten them to their act and have a video recording of them beating me, asking for dowry and accepting that my gold is with them. Hopefully the judge will accept it as evidence. fingers crossed.

        R

      • Fighting Back said

        Hi ISLV, Hi R,

        (Very) Strange are the ways of life. My simple mom, with zilch idea about the ways of the world (we always wished she was more worldly wise….all of us would have had better lives!!), suddenly comes to the forefront and starts a dialogue with my brother’s wife. SIL’s parents and brother are excluded from the chit-chat.

        Mom assured her that our side of the family promises her a complete life of joy in all respects – she will never lack good food, clothing, shelter, out of pocket expenses and associated lifestyle. However, the same facilities are not extended to her parent’s family. Her brother does not reserve the right to access our family’s accounts. The only condition we have put forward is that she should behave rationally and gradually use her conscience to set apart the right from wrong; logical from illogical and shed the bias against her in-laws based on pre-conceived notions.

        However, I also question my mom’s approach…..I feel she is over-bending to accomodats SILs whims and fancies. SIL has categorically stated she won’t work in the kitchen, nor will she manage the home. She does not want to pursue a career. She is unable to take a decision whether she wants to work in the Industry (IT, as per her education), or open a restaurant or a beauty parlour (after doing a PhD.??)….this is such a big problem for her….lack of decision making and lack of foresight.

        Then a pertinent question is : WHAT WILL SHE DO ALL HER LIFE? The obvious answer seems : MAKE A HELL OUT OF OTHER’S LIVES.

        To add to her delimma is the fact she wants to help her parental family financially; and voila, the answer is section 498a.

        Her brother feels we will get scared of his threats and cough up a neat amount to avoid public humiliation of the family.

        I do not know which way the situation might turn. She has a big ego problem and feels anyone who crosses her path has to kneel to her wishes. She also feels that helping her parents and brother financially is her duty (no problem), at the expense of sacrificing the peace of approx. 7-8 individuals from her in-laws side (but why). As an educated girl, she can definitely counsel her brother to land on earth and do what normal earthlings do…..WORK….and earn his living….and stop showing off. I heard he is planning to buy a new car today…lol…..with creditors at his heels……some guts this guy has.

        Hypothetically, in case she recieves a good settlement amount from my brother and gives it to her brother for settling him, who in turn squanders it all away, as per his habits, What will be the net result?

        Answer : No brother around, no money, no husband, lonely life and broken in-laws. Not is she ruining the lives of many around her, she is the victim of her own madness.

        Hope she sees sense.

        Strange bonding is happening with complete strangers…..I met a guy who is a victim of section 498a. His FIL was a high ranking IAS officer and poisoned his own daughter’s happy married life just to throw his weight around. They were in USA and she called 911 after a minor disagreement over dinner. The husband was in confinement for a day and a half before his friends rescued him. She ran away to India with their daughter and has been dancing to her father’s tunes for the last 5 years. However, the husband hired a good attorney, shifted base to Delhi and faught the case and won it. Girl’s father got so frustrated that he started mistreating his daughter and grand-daughter. Finally, good sense prevailed ahd she approached her husband for a compromise; who was in the meantime seeing someone else. He is undecided right now whether to take her back or to file for divorce. Decision pending from his end.

        3 more cases I have met, will mention details in later posts.

        Thanks for the rational support. Many people blame all the events on destiny. So much so, my mom has even started consulting pundits to make things work out between SIL and Brother.

        Hope justice and peace prevail in everyone’s lives.

        Many Regards to All
        Fighting Back

  17. sanjay mehra said

    Dear R,

    Don’t say I didn’t warm you. What works in Tollywood today works in Bollywood tomorrow. Maybe that is where I will make my fortune.

    warm regards

    sanjay mehra

  18. R said

    Time for a laugh:

    It’s official: Men lie more than women

    http://www.hindustantimes.com/lifestyle-news/relationships/It-s-official-Men-lie-more-than-women/Article1-545235.aspx

    Enjoy :)

    • sanjay mehra said

      R

      I beg to differ. And this is the truth,

      warm regards

      sanjay mehra

      • R said

        Well, I never said its true or false. Just for a laugh. Such surveys are very interesting as are usually done with a motive in mind. :)

  19. R said

    The story of Gulabi Gang

    Women forced to take justice in their hands in rural India

    http://rt.com/Top_News/2010-05-20/india-women-domestic-voilence.html

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      On the same page, I saw Hon’ble President Smt Pratibha Patil saying “Women are less corrupt so put them in power”.

      http://rt.com/Top_News/2010-03-14/women-india-power-quota.html

      Well, do we know that it is the political parties that are not letting women get elected to power. In the last elections, only 1 in 13 persons contesting elections was a woman but 1 in 11 women contesting won. So, it is clear that political parties are biased against women and the common public.

      • R said

        Frankly, India does not respect its women. The day it starts doing that, you would not have such issues with political parties or any other aspect of our lives.

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        “India does not respect its women”

        Q1. What is India? You mean the State or the common people?
        Q2. If you mean people, you mean men do not respect women or you mean men as well as women do not respect women?
        Q3. Why do you say women are not respected?
        Q4. You think the situation is better in other parts of the world?

      • R said

        A1. Both. The common people however are the bigger culprit as its the people are the essence of any state.
        A2. men as well as women — to remove all sexist allegation tinge — our society and its mind frame.
        A3. women are considered to be a lower sex, the inferior one and in some parts of our society, nothing more than a requirement for progeneration, and that too of boys. People would be happy to buy a woman for their son (cheaper than a cow) but not happy if she begets a girl child. Why? Its expensive to “rear” one and then get her married off with dowry.
        A4. Yes and no — for it would depend which other part you want to look at. But then do we always compare ourselves to what the other parts of the world are doing to judge whether its correct or not?
        If my house is dirty, it is dirty. I only have one option if I want to clean it — clean it. By indexing the level of dirt it has, it will certainly not get cleansed.

        R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        A2. So you do not have an issue with men or women. You have a concern about our social system. Well, there are so many women and men who are very happy with this social system. Men are happy earning and women are happy cooking.

        In fact, I can tell you from my personal experience that I dated several women in the past – and they expected me to pay for the expenses. Although they were fairly well earning, they were not willing to let go of the special treatment that women have always had.

        If women are not ready to let go of their femine treatment and become equals, the society (men plus women) is not going to accept them as equals, isnt it?

        A4. you said “India does not respect its women”. Hence, I asked what do you think about other parts of the world.

        You are right that by indexing the level of dirt, the house does not get cleansed BUT if there is only 100 rupees to get it cleaned all all the 100 rupees are spent on cleansing one room – then I find it unfair.

        And I have nothing against women. Men are bigger idiots. Their egos are boosted when they help women (at the cost of themselves). Women are just using the avenues men are proving them.

      • R said

        A2. You got it right. My concern is society problem.
        Earning versus cooking? Its not even wrong when the labour is shared. The problem is when I earn so I will get to eat more from your kitchen despite you sharing labour and taking care of the household.

        Your personal experiences — really interesting dates you have had must say. Strange to me as I was looking after all expenses of my husband throughout the marriage and also my medical expenses during pregnancy. On second thoughts, would have also loved to be pampered had I got the opportunity :)

        A4. I still maintain my thoughts.

        As for egos, you know something, just like men love to pick tabs of the date, women at home love to cook for their husband,do his laundry, etc. It gives a “high”, to say it frankly to you. As I said to you, an equal share of labour — it will not only bring in respect for one another but help us grow above petty issues.

  20. sanjay mehra said

    R

    Respect has to be earned. Only love is free. And too many women want the free bandwagons of life without the necessary work that goes into earning respect.

    For ex: any public argument with a woman who is trying to break a line goes with the woman accusing the man or men or men and women of not knowing how to respect and talk to a lady. A very sad commentary on wanting respect without deserving it.

    Similarly, a woman could be making an obscene amount of money as salary. But when it comes to paying even for the bulb in the house, she expects the man to pay the bill. I have seen these attitudes so many times and in so many different ways that I am no longer enamoured with the Free Respect argument.

    warm regards

    sanjay mehra

    • R said

      Sanjay,

      Respect, love, nurture come basis the sex of fetus/new born in many parts of our country. I also thought this was a small problem but truly can tell you the problem is quite big. After all, we don’t have male infanticide in our country, only that of female.

      The problem in our society is not just basis 498a or no 498a. Incidently, this problem led to a 498a being written. And despite the whole misuse, can say 498a has been effective.

      A woman president or a woman speaker can be good signal and even a signal torch bearer but the trail — most of it — exists in the dark.

      R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        R,

        There have been male foeticides as well but I will completely agree that by and large the problem is with female foeticide.

        Why female foeticide happens is because women do not (or ‘have not been allowed to’) take responsibility. Would you like to read something I wrote last year http://wp.me/plC3a-aK

        Also, You say 498a has been effective. What makes you say that?

      • R said

        ILSV,

        The idea of disposable male — in our society, it is only a male child who can lead his parents to moksha post death, etc. I am the only child of my parents and will be their heir in all the sense of the world but this is not everywhere in our society. There are just millions of such things.

        Have you even seen a rural household? The woman does tedious, harder tasks than her husband but it is not accepted as such. If she is working in the fields, she is paid less for the same task. There is nothing called disposable male here.

        Women being raped and molested — now don’t tell me that all the reported, read reported again, cases are false — not men. And I think we can assume that in most cases, rapists would be men? The disposable men?

        And yes, the 498a has been effective. We no longer read in newspapers everyday about the pressure cooker episodes and the strangest part in those episodes — 98% deaths were of DiLs.
        All laws, rules are misused and it is only their misuse which becomes an effective indicator of their use. The misuse of 498a led to Justice Dhingra’s judgement which has changed the way this Act is looked about.

        R

      • R said

        And just to add, we never had a purdah system in our society for men?

      • sanjay mehra said

        R,

        Now you have touched a hornet’s nest. 498a has been effective ? In what may I ask ? In destroying lives and families, making kids homeless and fatherless, forcing innocent people to commit suicide, putting them into jail for no crime, destroying their lives for some lazy woman’s petty and destructive ego. Which outcome out of these is your so called effective outcome ?

        Freedom entails risks which have to be borne by the person who wants to be free. But a system based on lies, falsehoods, deceit and inequality before law is sure shot recipe for social and individual disaster. And that is the essence of Sec. 498A.

        In the late nineteenth century, USA had a strange law. They took away the kids of indigenous Red Indians to educate and bring them up in hostels. Australia also had a similar system. The so called “White Man’s Burden”. The Red Indians and the Aborigine of Australia are still suffering the effects of this so called civilizing law in terms of alcoholism, crime and broken families.

        So please don’t tout up some vague statement about effectiveness of 498A when the overwhelming evidence is one of destruction. It may work for you to use the system to get back a few jewels and trinklets. But it does not work for the thousands who wind up in jails, are on the run, children who loose touch with their fathers, old parents rendered homeless and defenceless etc etc etc. The list of its destructive overreach is too long to be countered or listed.

        If it is about one R getting her jewels back vs the thousands ( the figure for last years arrests were 128,000, out of which half were women and ofcourse has to be some children who wind up in jail because their mothers and fathers are there and they have nowhere to go )who suffer for no fault, which side should the law be tilted. One R vs 128,000 innocents in jail. The mathematics don’t need a Phd, do they ?

        Actually yours is the kind of attitude that has got us here in the first place. Judges, lawmakers, policemen they all think, so what if people get destroyed. Somewhere there always are a few R s who benefit from this system. I have had ACPs and Inspectors touting this line to me many times, about the marriages they have saved ( by threatening the man and his family ) as proof that the system works, despite the overwhelming evidence that conviction rate is less than 1%.

        To take a hard view, it would be cheaper for this nation to open a fund and buy new jewels and trinklets for all the R s who are aggrieved and just in their fight. It would save this nation’s soul.

        There never is a free lunch.

        warm regards

        sanjay mehra

      • R said

        Sanjay,

        If a person catches cold after eating an ice cream and thinks everyone will catch a cold after ice cream, two things can happen — a shortage of medicine for cold and many ice cream firms going bust.

        Our lives are not like that. We can’t get personal about everything. Our experiences do give us insight and allow us to form opinions but the view which I have may not be always correct. Had it been true, we all would not have flown in a plane ever — the world ends beyond the horizon.

        498a and its effectiveness. In my view, had it not been effective, you wouldn’t be writing to ILSV. If you say its misuse led you here, I will agree with you. But please remember only an effective tool can be misused.

        Laws and misuse — well, thats everywhere. Don’t we abuse laws/rules? Jumping red lights, parking car on a zebra, etc… its an endless list for we all live in a world where if we can get away with something it is not a crime.

        Now don’t get me wrong. I am not defending a law’s misuse. All I am saying is that misuse can happen only of a good law/rule.

        Also, during past incidents of misuse, rules have been stricter. For instance, I submitted all the documents — marriage certificate, bank proof of wedding, etc expenditure, bills, photographs, etc — at CAW before summons was even sent to the other party to appear for counselling. The other party was not picked up like some incidents have read about and put in prison. Thats inhuman by any standard, after all the other party did not kill me rather have just deserted me and his newborn child, kept all my streedhan and has never desired to see her for the last 20months. Right? And intrestingly, it still hasn’t got me anything. So what should I do? Wait for the almightly to help realise the other party that what he is doing is not only hurting us for also himself? Should I not fight for myself? My right? Or like the old purdah system, should sit at home and face abuse for I gave birth to a girl child? Where did she go wrong? What has she ever done to her father or his parents that they don’t even want to be with her?

        Please don’t get personal with discussions else nothing worthwhile will come out of it ever.

        Misuse is surely wrong but law stands effective. Of course, it may be changed a bit to avoid its misuse. But then which law isn’t? Kasab and Afzal are sentenced capital punishment but what may happen? We will spend millions on their security, court trips, mercy petitions when the Rajiv Gandhi co-assassin still awaits an answer to her mercy petition despite it being 20 years, yes 20 years, since his assassination.

        R

  21. sanjay mehra said

    Dear R,

    After reading your reply, I rest my case. This is the most self serving argument about the indefensible that I have come across. All the points I have raised in my replies of the last few days, you have proved in your reply.

    First of all I am not writing to ILSV because of the effectiveness of Sec.498a. I write because of its ineffectiveness and the destruction that it causes. Lets take you as an example. You submitted all bills of things which belonged to you and were not given back to you. An open and shut case. But this law cannot get you back anything, as anything recovered now will go into the maalkhana and will be there till the end of the case, maybe 10 years. If it can’t do something so simple, then what effectiveness are you talking about. And we are not even talking about the 99% cases which have no basis and only pursued for ego and hatred only.

    Point No:2: A vague assertion of only an effective being misused is contradictory in statement and not sustainable in argument. So think before you speak/ write.

    Point No 3 : You ask what you should do. The idea of this argument was not to give you ideas about what you should or should not do. It was about the means that one uses to assert rights and the fairness of those means. You are free to do whatever it is that you want to do. After all, we don’t want to be accused of trying to restrict a woman’s freedom and drag her back to the purdah system, do we ?
    At the end of the day, it is your life to make or break. One would wish you and your daughter well and gently try to advise you about what may be a good direction for your life to take. But the final call is yours to make and the consequences for you to bear. There is never a free lunch in life.

    Point No 4: But I reassert that yours is the kind of attitude that has got us here in the first place. Bad laws should be tolerated because somewhere they are probably doing some good to someone, hopefully. And I reassert that for the sake of this nation’s soul, it may actually be cheaper to have a fund to finance all these jewels, trinklets and Istridhaan items that are so routinely claimed to harass and destroy the husband and his family.

    Point No 5: And I disagree with your argument about making it personal. At the end of the day, it is about people and their personal lives. And it can never get more personal than that.

    Point No 6: I reassert that respect has to be earned, only love is free.

    When you look back 5 years from now, when all this is hopefully history and your daughter is the centre of your life as she should be, maybe you will understand what I am talking about. Time gives distance and distance gives perspective. At this moment, it is all so raw, that anything can set a person off on a tangent which is distant from reality. And reality is mostly about your perspective.

    warm regards

    sanjay mehra

    • R said

      Thanks for the reply Sanjay.

      Well, we will just have to agree to disagree.

      In my view, 99% of cases registered under 498a being a farce is a bit far fetched.

      Thanks for wishing me well. Really appreciate it. I need to fight for what is rightfully mine, not just to ensure that I have something left behind for my child in case something happens to me but also to fight for what is right. Today, to fight my way towards that is 498a and I don’t see anything wrong in it.

      Earning respect and getting love free — well, you need to be accepted first to earn someone’s respect. If you are not accepted, respect or love are too far ahead. We have a problem in our society and it will need to be rectified if we really want to respect ourselves and our women.

      http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/delhi/Unsafe-capital-212-rape-cases-in-first-five-months-/articleshow/5975135.cms

      Have a look at this news article. While it may say the number of rape cases has risen, I may even look at the fact that the number of cases being reported has risen. Further, it is a society problem and no amount of rules/laws against rape cane resolve it. We need to change the way we look at our women. Simple!

      Thats my view and hope we all can exist with accepting it that way.

      R

      • sanjay mehra said

        Dear R,

        It saddens me to see your fear induced outlook of life and the world around you. It saddens me as it will make bringing up a small child so difficult. For your child’s sake, I hope you are able to see the beauty, goodness and joy of life before concentrating on the bad and the ugly.

        Let me close this discussion with a homely piece of advise. We all become what our actions are. If the means we choose to attain our goals don’t match the goals, the goals when achieved loose their worth and meaning in our lives. Somewhere in your psyche is a dichotomy between what you want and the reasons for wanting. But then we all have our private hells to live and justify to ourselves.

        If you, who in my opinion has a just cause can feel such dichotomy in pursuing this case, I pity my wife who must be having to justify it to herself day in and day out. Maybe this is the hell that we all fear.

        Thanks for unwittingly letting out what goes on in the head and heart of a woman who is pursuing a Sec.498A case against one whom she thought she would spend her life with. It strengthens my belief that the means have to match the goals. Destruction without thought of construction is only destruction and nothing else.

        I never thought a stray comment from someone I don’t even know will lead me to discover so many things. Such is the beauty and the surprise of life.

        After this realization, I don’t think the statistics matter. Whether the figure is 99% or 0%. This cross is for those, for whom their means and goals don’t need to match.

        warm regards with sadness

        sanjay mehra

    • R said

      Sanjay,

      Thanks for the pity and sympathy but really it is unwanted. I have a will to fight and will not let go of it. There is no dichotomy in my mind today — it was there when I was fighting to keep this marriage at all costs and my efforts were not reciprocated at all.

      And the 99% or 0%, just think for once — have you read anywhere a confession by a man that he used to beat his wife for dowry? or he used to get drunk and hit her? or that he used to commit adultry? or even so from a woman on any of these issues? We all love to talk about of sufferings when we hurt somebody/do something wrong, we hide behind a facade of greatness in some form or the other.

      Our society has a problem and high time we recognise it lest we will be just arguing like this.

      As mentioned earlier, I agree to end this discussion with the idea that we agree to disagree.

      Regards,
      R

      • sanjay mehra said

        R,

        The discussion is closed. You are free to live your crusade and God be with you. I stand by every word I have written and nothing you have mentioned leads me to change my mind.

        warm regards

        sanjay mehra

  22. Harrassed Husband said

    I had typed this 3 years ago…. right at the beginning of the conflict ….. Married life is hell and wish I had never married. May appear out of context in a few lines ….. but looks like false 498A, and DV cases are going to take more male lives in the next decade.

    ” I am not just anybody from the wayside., but all my dreams aspirations have been destroyed after marrying a wrong type of girl. False cases, destroyed carrer , trips to courts & lawyers & plenty of defamation was what I got after marriage.

    I wanted my family, and wanted her real bad because I loved her. But I was never a priority in her life she always wanted to be with her parents. She wanted me to seperate from my aged parents. She wanted me to disown my family. The story is really long …. tearfull …

    Now my life is spent trying to clear my name from all the cases she has files against me. I dont have a job, but I still have to pay her a hefty maintainance, inspite of her being over quualified triple post grad and I dont get to see my child, who is being used as an emotional pawn against me.

    I am the loser in the long run, lost mental peace, carrer, confidence, money, daughter and still no solution in sight ……

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      Yes – I agree that you are a loser. You are not a loser because your battle is any more painful than most BUT you are a loser because you have accepted that you are a loser.

      There are 1000s and 1000s of people successfully fighting these battles.

      You made a mistake of marrying someone who didn’t love you. To love is nothing, to be loved is something, to love and be loved at the same time is everything. BUT we all made some mistake at the time of getting married. So what? Does that mean we should spend the rest of our lives crying and being sad?

      The legal battles are very slow – but it’s a level playing ground. Legal processes are slow for you, but they are slow for her also. Try to make good use of this fact.

      Peace, career, confidence etc is all in your hands.

      If you have not gained control of your life in 3 years, then you are making me real worried. Which city are you in? Have you met people in similar situations there?

      • R said

        I tend to agree with ILSV that you need to stand up and fight — not the injustice really but to gain control over your life and work towards enjoying it again.

        Good luck!

  23. Harrassed Husband said

    Dear ILSV,

    Honestly speaking, yes I lost control of my life … because I kept hoping and hoping against hope that things would be allright …but it never did … they played the game to a plan …money was their objective ….. after 3 years … things didnt look up even a bit …she has got on with her life ..has a fledging carrer … restrains the child from meeting me (infact never met the child in sometime) …..and perhaps even got into a new relationship. So basically life for them didnt suffer any kind of interuption. Here I am in a suspended state because they wont accecpt a mutual consent divorce, demanding huge alimony which is beyond my means and then alternatively keep threatening cases all the time.

    My confidence lost, my carrer suffered, my parents suffered and so did everthing associated with me. Dont know the way forward. Starnge are the ways of life it can catapult you from being the best to being at the bottom of the ladder. I do keep hearing sucess stories of people who have fought and won legal battles and sucessfully exonerated themselves from false dowry harrasment cases. Most importantly, even before going legal I must learn to pick up the peices of a shattered life, else I may too end being a statistic.

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      Dear,

      It is never too late to begin.

      She got on with her life. What is stopping you from going on with your life?

      When going gets tough, the tough gets going.

      Come on buddy, do something. Twenty years from now, you would regret the things you did not do rather than the ones you did.

  24. Paul said

    Can we have Nicky back on the blog please. She seems to be a rare species of woman, one with a sane head and a balanced view. Some one who dosen’t put the blame on the man blindly and without reason. Her views on women would be a great help to men.

  25. One more victim said

    Hi, Where have you been these days? Sorry if I missed your blog post wherein you told you are stopping to blog… Anyway, your blog is really amazing and great for many souls who are suffering a lot with the legal terrorism.

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