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Harassed by wife, man seeks official nod to end life

Posted by iluvshrutiverma on June 23, 2010

Ahmedabad: It may sound bizarre, but it is true. A 40-year-old man in Kheda district has sought permission from authorities in the state to end his life, alleging that he is not able to carry on with life in the face of constant harassment being meted out by his wife.

http://www.dnaindia.com/india/report_ties-that-kill-harassed-by-wife-man-seeks-official-nod-to-end-life_1399684

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16 Responses to “Harassed by wife, man seeks official nod to end life”

  1. R said

    I think I should seek the same for myself and my daughter…

    My husband was in such a rush recently that he did not even wait for the notice of arrest to be issued to him by IO. We went to the vacation judge to ask for AB. The chap already had a 7-day protection. Now is on interim bail as has been asked to return streedhan articles. His response to that: I don’t have anything except 3 sarees. Most interestingly, at next hearing I will give all the proofs. But really feel low at times — what has been my daughter’s fault? Her father deserted her the day she was born and hasn’t seen her since then despite numerous attempts made by myself.

    R

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      I know what you mean.

      It just makes me sad to know that there are parents (your husband) who do not care about their child.

      I hope you and your daughter get your dues soon.

      • R said

        ILSV,
        Am not sure if you would like to put this in the open so would leave it to your discretion.
        The other party approached the court for AB even before the IO served him an arrest notice. The court is during vacation and while taking up the matter asked the other party to first return the streedhan articles. The other party today morning submitted the articles but most of it did not even belong to me and were out of list. I took all that I could recognise and in monetary terms, it equates to about 0.4% of the total amount as per my list. Even though they did accept two articles in gold in their admitted list, those also were not given.
        The date for AB is later this week. Will they easily get bail despite all this? My lawyer says they can get it as have influenced the vacation judge.
        Also, in view of the other party behaving in such manner, I have made up my mind to fight for conviction. However, now my lawyer is persuading us to drop the idea saying that it is a hard thing to achieve as the courts have become quite lenient towards the accused in current times. I really feel that even if I recover the money, true it will do good to my daughter’s future but even that process will not be easy. It would be better if I fight now. Do you think my lawyer is correct in saying these things?

        R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        Hi,

        It is true that the courts have become somewhat lenient as compared to a few years back – that is because there has been such a heavy misuse of these women-centric laws.

        The lawyers always suggest to settle – because that is where they will make the most money.

        Whether they will get AB or not – is a difficult thing to say at this point in time. You should insist that your streedhan articles be returned to you as per your list. (In all likelihood, they would have to at least return the 2 articles in gold. There are chances that they will be asked to return ‘most’ of what you are claiming before granting AB – in which case you should consider yourself to be a winner).

        I still think you should fight it out and punish the corrupt.

        Also, I hope that the maintenance for your daughter case is also progressing (these things take time).

        Regards

  2. R said

    Thanks for a fair answer. Usually when you ask a guy something like this, they would revert with abuse of men citing how women have a cake walk fighting such cases. Personal experience, it is not easy despite such women centric laws. As you said, abuse of these have led to what am going through but am fine with it as there need to be ways and means to disallow abuse of any system.

    In court, when I repeatedly said that I seek punishment for the accused, the judge said you need to think about your life and that of the child and sending the other party into jail for 2/3 nights will not take you anywhere. Better, she says, settle it and sent the case for mediation.
    She asked me why I haven’t sought legal separation/divorce to which I said that for it, both parties need to meet and discuss and resolve. If one party is running away, how that it be followed?
    On streedhan, they have just given 2 gold articles (of 4 accepted by them and in total 12 by my list) apart from 4 sarees, one double bed and a coat. Rest of the articles are still with them and they are unwilling to even accept it, and even unwilling to give what they have accepted. I am willing to wait to understand what ‘most’ would mean here. But it seems that either they want to include streedhan as part of settlement and probably thats the reason for a delay in handing over streedhan or they do not want to give ‘most’ back. A money centric family so giving away… ouch!

    My lawyer has now accepted that I am not after a monetary payment and said that we will put forth that during mediation. Mediation is for end of this week and the court will take an account of that next week.
    The mediation also would seek inputs regarding a full and final amount for child maintenance. How does one gauge that? After all, the money you seek today will not only depreciate (as a part of it is spent), it will also have to suffer inflation.

    Child maintenance case hasn’t had a single hearing as the other party is repeatedly extending it, seeking time to prepare an answer. The fourth hearing is in 2 weeks and my lawyer says that they have the right to seek 2 more extensions. So…as you said time taking and am not taking it to heart. No point really to work myself up on these legal delays as it will affect my child…

    Thx

    • iluvshrutiverma said

      Hi,

      We know each other for quite some time now so you should have been expecting a fair answer from me:)

      Guys who say that women have a cake walk are not completely wrong – they do not know how much inconvenience women have to go through in order to fight these legal battles. Women (and their families) pretend in front of the guys that it has been a cake walk for them, therefore guys actually think it is. Though in reality, women also undergo quite a bit of torture at the hands of public offices (like police and courts).

      “Most” – well there is no fixed formula. You should stick to your original list through out. You should definitely get all what they have accepted. For the other articles, it would also matter whether you have evidence of purchasing those items and delivering them (bills, photographs etc).

      There is a concept called PV (present Value) of future cash flows – so a full and final maintenance amount for the child could be easily calculated. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Present_value) – but this stage is far from where we are. I can explain more details of when it comes.

      There is no rule about the number of “hearings” he can ask in order to submit a reply – if there is excessive delay then if you can then seek interim maintenance – the court can award interim maintenance till the time it decides on the final maintenance amount.

      God bless

      • R said

        Thanks ILSV.

        So far so good. All bills are verified. Just that the lawyer is acting a bit strange. I have a recording of my mil where she accepts that she will not return my gold and he doesn’t feel comfy in introducing it. He is feeling that we should not present it before it is required acutely. Lets see..

        As for ‘Present Value’, the concept is clear but not the working. So will await a reply from you when you consider the time to be appropriate.

        But one thing looks clear today — most July will be spent in courts!!

        Thx again
        R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        Hi,

        It is unfortunate that smart and young people like you have to spend so much time in courts, but that’s the price that a person has to pay for justice. But the end result is worth while. It gives immense satisfaction once you achieve some success.

        Your daughter must be 21 months old now. Does she speak many words already? On an average, by the age of 2 a child would speak 30 – 50 words and might even be able to make 2 word sentences 🙂

        I wish I had met you 5 years back.

      • R said

        The grin you gave after mentioning my girl says it all. Well, she is 21m now and so amazing that makes going through this marriage hell, worthwhile. Its like having your personal teddy bear at home who loves you and cares for you beyond your own expectations. The library is growing with each day and I have a good time every weekend to check on the additions.

        By the way, haven’t you ever given a thought to the idea of having a child? Isn’t immortalizing Shruti Verma drifting you away from your own happiness? If you can make time and still want to continue the battle, adopt a child — trust me it will do wonders and changes beyond imagination!! A great responsibility but greater happiness…

        If you ever get that idea or even want to look around it, do tell me. I know a few people working in this field who can be of support.

        And don’t mind a personal question — do you really want to spend your time and life taking Shruti Verma down? Isn’t your personal growth, happiness and peace not a concern? Don’t you feel like getting married and having kids, coming home to them rather than going to your PC to immortalise a stupid girl. You sound like a nice guy and frankly sane by normal male standard in India — and in my view, deserve better.

        Also, would put in a thought. I am trying to create a forum/group of single parents in Delhi where they can catch up, discuss issues and support each other in managing things. Anyone interested can send a message to singleparentsindelhi@gmail.com
        And even non-parents are welcome 🙂

        Thanks
        R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        The grin was for 2 reasons:

        1. I am pleasantly surprised that I remember so much about you given the fact that we have never met (I remembered your daughter’s age)
        2. I like children. They are very cute and innocent

        “immortalizing Shruti Verma drifting you away from your own happiness?”

        I am happy. My life was quite ‘boring’ before Shruti. It was a cakewalk for me. I always got what I wanted very easily – good education, good job etc. If you know what I mean – if you get everything so easily then life becomes boring. Shruti’s episode has given a meaning to my life. Everyday when I get up, I see a purpose in my life.

        Shruti is just a representative of bad people – people who are unfair and will go to any filthy extent to fulfil some personal motives.

        Now a days, a lot of my efforts are directed towards creating awareness and fighting the biased system (rather than fighting Shruti Verma). And it does give me immense satisfaction to connect with people and help them.

        Rest later

      • R said

        You know I somehow have started feeling that law is not actually biased. The loopholes it involves to ensure that it is not misused removes all the bias. The rise in number of cases is not so much due to misuse of law but more so as our society has started existing in a “me first” scenario where ego rules the world rather than relationships. The 3% conviction rate in 498a cases is not an indication of rising number of false cases but rather that justice mostly wouldn’t come in courts.

        Will give you an example. Through friends of friends we know a person — lets call him Mr A here — who has been fighting a battle with his wife — Mrs A — for just over 15 years. His family have all along been telling us how much maintenance they have been paying to Mrs A and her two daughters. The fight started when the younger girl was 3yrs old. They also complained about fake bills and all that. And now we were told that Mr A got a divorce but the maintenance is still being paid so thats the only court case left. And thus he is now happily married with a new Mrs A and two sons, the younger one born a year ago. By the way, he is a very well known member of SIFF and active in organising rallies/meetings/etc.

        A week ago, we found that our CA is also a CA of Mrs A’s family. There the story came in completely different. Despite the fact that an interim maintenance for girls was fixed 6 years after the case started, Mr A did get away with paying just for 2 years and has not paid a penny ever since.
        And also there is no divorce still — case pending. Judicial separation is the only stage cleared. So what has the first Mrs A got fighting this case — two girls who she has to maintain herself? Any wrong done and fought doesn’t mean you get justice.

        Leaving room for the exaggerations, still, where is Mr A — “married” — though not legally but he has his family and Mrs A can just file cases but not get any justice – am not sure what we call justice in this case. Today there are rifts between her and her daughters as one of them blames her for keeping her away from their father despite the fact that Mr A never sought any visitation. He never wanted his girls!

        And even if one puts this as a one off case and assume that Mr A and Mrs A get divorce. What happens there? Mr A gets married again in 9/10 cases — my husband is already on shaadi.com — all normal, we would suppose. And Mrs A? Oh, she can’t really get married. In one of your blogs even you mentioned that no normal guy would marry a divorcee. And a divorcee with two girls, ouch!

        So in our chauvanistic society, why should a woman even complain when she is beaten by her husband or abused by her in-laws. If she wants to get married, she should be ready for the suffering? After all, it is her bad luck that she was born as a woman. Had she been born as a man, she could have just gone about hitting and abusing any woman and getting away with it by paying to the lawyers.

        This really makes me feel if what am doing is futile. The struggle so far has been very painful. In this marriage, I was left holding the baby, and quite literally! You may think am getting emotional about all this, but must tell you it hurts. Being a woman is not all about the unbiased life. Its about knowing that you are the nurturing one, the so-called life giver and carer but living with the reality where you yourself are not nurtured/cared for. A walk in the park or a ride in bus/train shows you how men can just rape you with their eyes and you can’t do anything about it. While there are times women abuse the words rape and molestation, there are many more than that which go unreported. You are not paid the same for the same job than your male colleague and bias goes deep down there — there is nothing Indian about this one!

        R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        Hi R,

        1. There are 26 gender-biased laws (of course all in favor of women).

        2. There are problems in getting justice but they are the same for men and women. Our system is screwed up. That does not mean that the law does not favor women.

        3. Mr. A’s example does not mean all men are bad or all women are tortured. Where do men who are tortured go?

        4. Yes, I remember saying that normal guys will not marry divorcees.

        5. About public viewing of body parts – well, I tend to agree. But I have seen many women using their body also as a tool to get what they want – in offices, in marriages, as well as in general.

        6. About difference in pay – that is just a myth. I do not see any rationale of why a manager should pay a man more than a woman. On the contrary, sometimes women get paid more because they offer additional benefits to their supervisors.

        7. Conviction rate was 2% (if I remember correctly) – anyways 2% or 3% – I agree that part of it is because people do not get justice in courts and part because the cases are false. The exact number is not known to anybody.

        But imagine this – a guy has to go to the court for 15 years only because his wife was not happy with him. Is that not enough torture?

        8. About your battle – well it is going to be long and in most cases, husbands do not have guts to fight. I can tell you that only 10% of the disputes last for a year. Most of the husbands pay up. If your husband fights back for a few years, then also it will depend on the merits of the case – in my case, shruti tried to act ‘over – smart’ therefore she lost.

        Despite difference in our views, I still like you and regret that I did not meet someone like you 5 years back!

      • R said

        ILSV,

        Well, I still struggle with the idea of gender-bias or the world being any easier for women. Well, may be thats coz of the fact that we always tend to see the world greener on the other side. 🙂 Frankly was even expecting an outburst…

        My problem is that I am unable to see any advantages that you mentioned. I have worked hard at work to get where am today and lost two increments coz my boss felt that I will be distracted being a single parent and fighting it in court. On the other hand, the other party has got salary doubled in these two years. I wanted to point him in court this time — his daughter has not been the curse he imagined she will be!
        And using personal appearance for way up in life — never tried it but none of it even was ever offered to me so… that cancelled too.

        My company though a MNC is chauvanistic and its an accepted fact too. And this is not the case in my company. Have seen it around — even the labour rates for men = Rs 100/day and women = Rs 70/day for the NREGA scheme.

        Agreed, Mr& Mrs A is a one-off case but there still are many alike. I even have an aunt whose husband is now married the third time and she has spent her whole life taking care of kids. She din’t take him to court, etc. She just suffered. And you know, she was the one who encouraged me to either fight it properly — which will take time — or settle it fast if I don’t want to fight.

        Justice in courts — Are you sure most cases which go on provide any inkling of justice? In any way shape or form?

        I don’t know much about court cases and their merits. My lawyers feel that the case has ample merit — reasonably strong but he still recommends not to fight. He says that there is no point to waste your life for an idea of justice which in most cases comes in pretty late. This is not in sync with the idea you are giving — “only 10% of the disputes last for a year. Most of the husbands pay up.”

        Another thing I wanted to ask you — you think I am being selfish is keeping custody of the child? The other party hasn’t seen her till date and not even replied to my constant request for that. Many have advised me to give her away now for it is better for her in our male-centric society, and all that…

        Regarding mothers and daughters, would just like to quote Elizabeth Debold: “Raising a daughter is an extremely political act in this culture. Mothers have been placed in a no-win situation with their daughters: if they teach their daughters simply how to get along in a world that has been shaped by men and male desires, then they betray their daughters’ potential. But, if they do not, they leave their daughters adrift in a hostile world without survival strategies.”

        As for meeting we can always make amends if it helps. I am based in Delhi. Travel a bit but mostly to south India and Maharashtra. If you are coming this side of the world, please keep me posted.

        Thanks
        R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        Hi,

        I agree that courts move very slowly but at least your complaints are heard. Men do not even have avenues to get their complaints registered.

        System being slow is not a gender phenomenon. That is a problem of the nation. Slow is the same for men and women.

        The gender-bias comes into picture when we talk about 26 laws and mind-set of people.

        You tell me – isn’t it somewhat socially acceptable if a woman slaps a man? (we see it all the time on the TV as well) but if a man hits then he is cruel.

        Why is a man supposed to go down on his knees to propose? http://wp.me/plC3a-3K

        You are unable to use any advantages but the advantages are there. E.g. in a marriage, it is a man’s responsibility to provide for his wife and children. It is no where defined what a woman’s responsibilities are. I am not joking. A woman is supposed to do nothing, nothing at all. She is not liable to earn, cook, clean, provide intimacy – nothing at all.

        Where are you quoting the NREGA data from? http://nrega.nic.in/wages.pdf mentions same labor rates for men and women.

        About the wage difference in MNCs – do you find it logical that males get paid more for the same job? Why will the MNC hire any males at all?

        I own a small business unit of my own. The objective of business is to generate wealth (make money). If there is a job vacancy, and two applicants (a guy and a girl) are equally competent to do the job. Why will I pay the guy more money? Will I not hire the girl? (Every rupee that I pay out to an employee means 1 Rupee less earning for me that year – ignoring the tax shield).

        I tend to agree about the moral dilemma of mothers and daughters. I remember reading something similar earlier too, it said: if a girl does not have guy friends then they call her uptight and pricy; and when she has guy friends they call her characterless. So I do understand some social dilemma there.

      • R said

        Hi,

        I disagree that Men do not even have avenues to get their complaints registered — directly you may be correct but given the way our system is, indirectly they do. Men have an advantage in way that even though the system may think that they are guilty, it does support them. People blame a woman for the fact that she is a divorcee or at times, when she is a widow. People don’t blame men for either. This also is highlighted in the fact that its easier for men to settle down again – get married, etc even if he has fathered 2 or more kids.

        System being slow is a nation problem but the gender inequality is a society problem. Laws may be portrayed as women-centric but in actuality the way our system is, most women can never benefit from these laws. A change in our society, our mindset is required. For instance, female infanticide is a crime but not male infanticide. You may call it a bias but have you ever heard of male infanticide as an issue? Our sex ratio country-wide is skewed and it won’t lead to a healthy society as we go forward.
        And the slow system hits women more than men — not just becoz of the biological clock but more so because of our society’s mindset in how it looks at its women.

        If a woman slaps a man in public, is it socially acceptable – yes and no. Yes for a rising number of molestation/rape cases. Ask any college going girl who has ever used a bus/auto etc to start with. The worst memory would be of some guy trying to feel her up in one way or the other. A girl has to live with it and being one can tell you it leaves a very bad mark on self. You always have to try to feel secure and work toward and lemme tell you, it ain’t at all easy.
        No, for a woman married usually is not known to hit her husband. You may have heard of some cases but then news is made when a man bites dog and not vice versa. Most married men consider their wives their own property and thus, don’t mind raising their hand on them. I was hit regularly and had none to complain for most period of time.

        And factually, how many men in India go down on their knees to propose? I personally don’t know many such men/women.

        A legal responsibility or a social responsibility. Whatever you may say, the fact is most marrried women do follow their social responsibilities. Look around yourself where you live today or your immediate family and you will have the anser. Whether it is legally defined or not, it is done. Most working women not just maintain their jobs but also households and kids upbringing even if it is not legally obligated. Do men do household work? Not most. And as for intimacy, where she is obligated to do that legally or not, India’s growing population does indicate that she is doing it.

        The NREGA data I quote is what they actually are getting. Do a lot of trips to various parts of MH and the rates I mentioned is what they are getting at the ground level for being chosen for the work.

        About the wage difference in MNCs – you may feel that its not logical for males to get paid more for the same job. But you also have to look at it with a HR perspective. Women have contraints in travelling following safety issues. Women once married have a divided attention at work which does affect their contribution/commitment towards work. And once women have babies – you have maternity leave, and even when back to work you cannot devote yourself properly to work so it does affect work. While a woman is having an increase in her responsibilities on the personal front, her work responsibilities are also growing if she wants to go ahead in her career. This is the point where most women prepare for their careers to take a back seat. It in most cases may mean a desk job or a part time job or no job. You take a hit. Also your dependibility on the desk job is not considered the same by HR vis-a-vis that of a male colleague.

        R

      • iluvshrutiverma said

        Hi,

        You are again talking about guilty men not being punished. What about guilty women? Crime is not gender based. There are not even laws to get complaints registered against women!

        You rightly said – “female foeticide is a crime but not male foeticide” – the discrimination against males starts even before they are born. And this continues through out their lives – look at point number 6 at http://wp.me/PlC3a-4j – this will tell you how boys are neglected as compared to girls.

        How the society looks at the women? Well, who is at fault? Isn’t it the women who have failed to take responsibility? There are 3000 NGOs supporting women, 11,400 crore rupees is spent every year on women’s welfare – still women have not stopped to cry because they know crying baby gets the most milk.

        Women prefer sitting at home and watching TV and alpha males are fine with that arrangement.

        I was talking about slapping and you instantly started to talk about molestation. This is what precisely happens. You see any girl hitting any guy in public, and everyone assumes the guy must have molested her. Look here for a video http://wp.me/plC3a-2V ;

        Kindly share the source of NREGA data. If it is your perception then we have nothing to discuss there – I have time and again accepted that the perception of the whole world is that women are tortured and melted unfair treatment.

        You mentioned that “Women once married have a divided attention at work which does affect their contribution/commitment towards work. And once women have babies – you have maternity leave, and even when back to work you cannot devote yourself properly to work so it does affect work” – So isn’t it fair that they do not get paid the same salary as men?

        Regards

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